Experience: that most brutal of teachers.

So I´ve got a little less than a week left here in Guatemala and I´d have to say, as has been usual here, I´m a mix of emotions. Over the past week or so, I´ve fielded a lot of questions: Are you ready to leave?; Did you enjoy your time here?; Do you want to go home?; Will you miss Guatemala?; Are you coming back?; etc.

None of those is an easily answered question. Well, I´m ready to leave, but I think I could stay a little while longer as well. Yeah, I enjoyed my time here most of the time, and I´m certainly glad I came, but there were times that I wished I was home. I think that the homesickness I´ve had is not so much for America or my actual home, it´s for friends and family and the ability to express myself completely. Like I said in the last post, I kinda want the two worlds to meet.

As I look back on this experience as it relates to others I´ve had, I´m struck by common themes. I think every time we have a significant change in environment: a move, progressing from high school to college, summer experiences, time abroad, etc., there are things that are good, things that aren´t, things that are insignificant, things that fill us with joy, and things that hurt but help us grow.

When our family moved from Virginia to North Carolina, I didn´t want to move: though young and for the most part passive to my environment, I knew that I was comfortable and also knew that a move meant a removal from friends and extended family. Sure, I adjusted, but the move wasn´t fun. However, as I look back at the last nine years (I´m 20 now... not a significant birthday legally but I´m now out of my teens. Weird.) and how God has worked in me through friends, his church, and events in North Carolina, I can´t help but be thankful. Camp had some of the same characteristics: didn´t know many people when I jumped into it, didn´t really know what to expect, had a time filled with both challenges and joys, and ended up growing immensely and making fantastic friends.

And so that brings me here. Of all the experiences I´ve ever had, this was the furthest from my comfort zone and the most difficult. Very rarely was it easy, but it was good, and good things came of it. The people I´ve met are fantastic. That´s probably the main reason I´m hoping to make it back here someday, especially with friends or family. I´d love people from home to meet people like Otoniel, Luis, Samuel, and all the others who have welcomed me here. I´ve got to admit, however, that growth isn´t as apparent as I had hoped. I believe it´s there, and some of the deeper previous posts will point to the main areas of growth that I´ve experienced. As I´ve already said on this blog, though, I believe community is our place of calling, and I think that the potential growth that´s built up here will be kinetically realized when I´m back in a scenario in which I can truly express, recieve, and share in life and struggles with those around me. I´m not sure how it will manifest itself in my case, but I think that our collected experiences build our wisdom and ability to relate and love in ways specific to the individuals we encounter.

As time has gone on, I think I´ve been able to see more and more ways that God has been working through me (as opposed to my frustration just a few weeks into the trip). Kids have truly learned some English, I´ve been able to help with some office work, and I think some of the adults have polished their English, as well, through Saturday classes and also just chatting. So, though still not quite as useful as I would´ve liked, I think God worked through me here. Sidenote: perhaps that´s another thing I´ve been taught... it´s not always obvious, but God is working through us. And we´re not always called to do huge things or see great results. God works through broken people in all circumstances to accomplish his will.

However, I can´t believe that God´s work through this trip stops when I get on the plane Wednesday.

My friend´s away message right now is a CS Lewis quote: ¨Experience: that most brutal of teachers. But you learn, my God do you learn.¨ Indeed, God works through our experiences to break our hearts and reform us into his image. Sometimes his hand is obscured, and it´s often difficult to rest in the situation he´s put us, but he promises that through our experiences and struggles he will engender endurance and faith in us. I think that quote is a good summary of my experience here: it´s at times been brutal (though brutal´s a rather strong word... it´s been a good experience) but I think I´ve learned a good deal and will continue to increase in wisdom as I reflect on my time here. And that´s why I can´t believe that God´s work through my time in Guatemala stops here.

I vaguely remember a conversation with my brother a few years back after a church service about a similar issue. The pastor in his message said that God has plans for us that have nothing to do with our past. Sounds good, but the bro (if you haven´t been reading his blog, I highly recommend it: linked in the top left of this page) pointed out that God´s plans for us actually have everything to do with where we´ve been: that´s why he took us there in the first place. We are crucified with Christ and have new life in him, but we still live life in a broken world with desires of the flesh. These longings of our heart don´t magically go away, and we´re not automatically good at loving people. Some of those weeds have deep roots. God uses real circumstances to cleanse us and show us how to love. So praise Him for difficulty, for exams, for loneliness, for Guatemala, for exhaustion, for separation, and for desperation. In our darkest hours he shows his love and draws us to himself.