Choices

I am, in fact still alive. Sorry that it´s been so long since I´ve written an entry. It seems every time I have free time I´m without computer and every time I have a computer I´ve got work to do. But here I am writing, finally.

The good (or bad, depending on what you prefer) news is that there´s little to report as far as what has actually happened here, so you´ll be hearing mostly about my thoughts and some of my recent feelings. It hasn´t been slow, but it´s been steady. I´m back working at the church during the days, teaching English and working on the other stuff they need done. Then at night I chill at my host family´s house (now Samuel´s family... moved here from Claudio´s a week ago). Half of the nights we go out or go to small groups... the other half of the nights we just stay home. Went on another one of their mission trips this weekend, to Monte Rico again. A good time, but like always tiring. Rested up today and ready to start another full week...

So now to what´s really been on my mind...If you´ve talked to me in the past couple weeks, you probably know that I was thinking of coming home a couple weeks earlier than the planned April 30 return. This was for a number of reasons, many of which were hashed out a few posts ago. After much prayer and some mom and friend coucil, I decided to stay. At first I was unsure of the decision, and there are still those times when I´d rather be home, but I´m now glad I decided to stay. I think if I had only a week and a half left here I´d be disappointed. Anyway, the decision-making process made me delve a little deeper into what I miss most about the United States. Of course, comfort, friends, famliy, English, and such things came to mind, but after a little more thinking and a little more digging, I realized that something I REALLY miss is the freedom of choice. And then I got to thinking about whether that was a healthy longing or not. Here we go...

Some things, things like friends and family, are fine to miss... even good to miss. This trip has confirmed and cemented my belief that we were created to live in community. Some might herald the pursuit of the likes of Christopher McCandless to ¨find themselves¨ on a solo adventure in the wilderness. To me, especially now, this seems selfish (if we believe we´re called to be good stewards of not only our money but also our time) and unfulfilling. We are called to support each other and (this one´s often overlooked or vehemently avoided) to be vulnerable with one another about our struggles, sins, worries, and of course our bountiful blessings as well. That´s one of the things I love most about working at camp in the summers: you can´t survive without both supporting and being vulnerable with your campers and fellow counselors (another thing I`ve struggled with is a longing to be at camp, something a few of my readers will understand).

I don´t think it´s good to miss things like hot showers and dressers where I can put my clothes, but I don´t think it´s necessarily bad either. A hot shower is one of those comforts that I believe with all my heart is worth the cost. I´ve had other longings, though, that I think might be better to live without. For example, I´ve had an odd longing to play golf (something that I can´t figure out... I don´t really play much golf normally)... such longings that are pure luxury and leisure are maybe better left behind.

So there´s some good and some bad in what I´ve missed during my time abroad, but what about that longing that was hidden beneath, the namesake of this post? Well, the subject of choice strangely reminded me of my Civics and World History teacher from 9th and 10th grade, the highly esteemed Mrs. Strumwasser. I don´t remember much from her classes, mostly because the majority of what she spoke about dealt with her kids, her clothes, her car, and New York (and you´re right in thinking that none of those things deal remotely with the subjects of Civics or World History). However, I do remember her definition of wealth: the ability to make choices.

We come from a wealthy society. We can decide a lot of things that a lot of the world doesn´t have the opportunity to decide: Will I take this job or that one?; Will I go to this school or that one?; Will I go to the movies tonight or stay home?; TGI Fridays or Applebee´s? (a decision, oddly enough, that can be made here by the city´s wealthier inhabitants); what will I eat at TGIF/Applebee´s? (yesterday for lunch I had Caldo de Pata. It´s a soup made with the meat of cows´ hooves. Interesting, to say the least); boxers or briefs? I think I´ve made my point. Now, as is usually true in these discussions, not all of these choices are true for all Americans, and not all citizens of third world countries are without such choices. However, as a general observation, our freedom of choice - our wealth (as ¨Strum¨ would say) - is much greater in America than the majority of countries in this world.

Now, such freedom of choice in itself isn´t a bad thing. It´s not the money itself (which gives us much of our freedom of choice in the consumption of our material goods, so here I hope the reference serves the same function), but the lust for money that is the root of all evil. In my case, it´s not the choice itself but the severe longing for the choices I lack that is my problem. When my longing for choice prevents me from being content in the circumstance into which God has led me, therein lies the issue of the heart that God seeks to dig out and destroy. It´s by weeding out longings such as these that he sanctifies us, that he fulfills his promise to give us hearts of flesh in place of our hearts of stone.

Christ seeks to replace our love of choice for a different kind of freedom - the freedom from slavery to sin, which is provided by his blood: ¨It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery¨ (Gal 5:1). This is a verse quoted often in my experience, and it`s great for inspiration and maybe even a little cheap support of our political system, but what does it mean? Paul here, it seems to me, is writing against a culture of legalism, in which his recipients sought to earn their salvation by continuing to follow a lifestyle of empty rules and traditions, depending on circumcision to cleanse themselves. And Paul cries, you fools!: ¨You who are trying to be justified by law have been alienated from Christ; you have fallen away from grace¨ (5:4). We were freed from the power of sin and now, being led by the Spirit, we don`t have to depend on circumcision or the following of the Levitical law to save us. Christ has set us free, given us the riches that come from his sacrifice. And here we find our call to righteousness which our freedom in Christ gives: ¨You, my brothers, were called to be free. But do not use your freedom to indulge the sinful nature; rather, serve one another in love. The entire law is summed up in a single command: "Love your neighbor as yourself"´ (5:13-14). I implore you to check out this whole chapter for yourselves... good stuff. Romans chapter six also deals deeply with our freedom in Christ. Both fantastic, and of course better spoken than my commentary on them could ever be.

So where does this leave me? I think I ended up a good bit away from the beginning, talking about missing the choices of a wealthy, independent lifestyle. But that`s the point, really. I didn`t plan this post, but I don`t think it`s coincidental that I started frustrated and missing some of the choices I now lack and then ended up at the freedom provided in Christ and the call to use that freedom to love others. So that`s where I`m left, then, trying to figure out what it means to forget about the choices I lack and enjoy the freedom Christ has given and share this continual freedom and grace with those around me.

Thankfully, this is a task I don`t have to pursue alone. Of course, Christ is my main ally in this, and the only way it`s possible, but here we come back around to my belief that we`re created for and called to community. That`s another thing I wanted to share (and now the length of this post has gotten severely out of hand): I wanted to tell you guys how thankful I am for all of you who have been praying for me these past months. I`ve been shocked by the mountains of people who have told me they`ve been reading my blog, thinking about me, and most importantly praying for me. It`s truly humbling to go to another country to minister at a church and then be ministered to by folks back at home. So thanks for keeping in touch, advising me, taking time to pray for me, and doing things like paying 17 dollars to send me a pie mix (yes, one of my fantastic amigas did such a thing... only a camp friend would do such a thing). But thanks, all of you, and I look forward to catching up with you all when I get back and recounting my adventures to you face to face.

All the best, once again, from Guatemala.